Also known as: Viktor. The doorman (by day). The chastity belt of my private residence (by night)
Occupation: Doorman of my building on Ivan Sergheevici Turgheniev Street. Contractual enforcer, for a modest monthly fee.
First appears: Chapter 001
Status: Under contract. The only person who has read it.
Usually seen with: The door of apartment no. 15, from the outside.
His philosophy of life, as far as I could reconstruct it
Viktor has never displayed much interest in constitutional theory. He believes in the clause. Our agreement authorizes him to use any means necessary, including physical force, and Viktor takes this clause seriously. So do I, although usually only after regaining consciousness.
What I think he thinks of me
A counterparty. When I am sober, he nods. When I am not, I apparently regard any man who positions himself between me and my erection as an enemy of constitutional liberty, and Viktor responds with his fists. Once or twice a year I still find myself paying his hospital bills. It is an arrangement founded on mutual respect, financial accountability and occasional orthopedic intervention.
What I think of him
A thirty-five-year-old Hungarian with the temperament of a bulldog and roughly the same distance between his head and the pavement. After selling my first apartment, I made a solemn resolution: my next home would enjoy a strictly monogamous relationship with me. No women, no friends, no witnesses. Naturally, I did not trust myself to respect its sanctity, so I entrusted that responsibility to Viktor. And it works. Against all reasonable expectations, no woman has crossed the threshold. Which is why, on the morning after my fortieth birthday, waking up naked in my own bed, my first thought was for Viktor’s professional judgment.
The contract, in full
“By the present document, Viktor Kossuth is legally obliged to prevent the undersigned, Andrei Jebeleanu, from entering apartment no. 15, situated on Ivan Sergheevici Turgheniev Street, whenever the latter is intoxicated by alcohol or narcotic substances and intends to violate the privacy of his own residence.”
Andrei’s footnote: He has never said anything worth quoting. He has never needed to.
